In a few days our only child is leaving for college half way across the country. We couldn’t be happier for him, and he couldn’t be more ready for the challenges and uncertainties that await. He’ll have all the freedom he needs—freedom to meet new people, form new ideas, establish his own priorities—and most importantly, freedom from mom and dad. In other words, we won’t be the kind of parents who insist on constant communication, email, phone calls, etc. Instead–it’s time to let go. It’s just that simple. Time to accept the reality of those infinitely unpleasant words: empty nesters.

The thing I despise most about the phrase empty nesters is its truthfulness. It’s so direct. So clean. So swift. Once the nest was full, and now it’s empty.

Becoming an empty nester, in part, means seeing an empty bedroom for the first time in eighteen years. It means not hearing his guitar, not cooking for him, doing his laundry, listening to him share a story, a joke, an insight. It means not talking philosophy at the dinner table, not hearing about his day, his truimphs, his anxieties, and best of all—his observations about classmates and teachers. God that stuff is funny. I mean it’s so odd and interesting to hear your child’s reasoned perspective on people’s habits and tendencies: mainly because those observations are being formed for the first time and reflect the accumulation of so many years, so many seasons. But that stuff will be gone. It’ll come to an end in a few days when he leaves.

Another part of becoming an empty nester goes well beyond the empty house. It’s the feeling that it all went by too fast, it’s gone, and there’s nothing you can do about it. I mean, I look at a photograph of my child on a tricycle and ask, where is it? Where is that moment now? How can I have it back? And for some reason, the more cheer and nervous delight that shows through the photograph, the more forceful the feeling of disbelief. How can that time be gone? It was just here. The park, the beach, the zoo, the card games and story books—they were right here.

Have you ever seen a child spread his arms and pretend to be an airplane? You have. Everyone takes notice when kids do that. I’d like to take the pattern that kids make—the weaving in and out, the looping back—and apply it to time. Is that so much to ask? To have the luxury of weaving out of time in order to slow things down, or looping back in order to re-experience something that has gone by? I guess it is. That’s the stuff of make believe, and there’s no point in wishing otherwise.

For what it’s worth—if you have little ones, next time your child asks you to read the same book you’ve already read five hundred times, read it again like it’s the first time. It’ll last longer that way. And you’ll be glad you did.

For some reason, when you do activities with your child, it seems to require more energy. Why is that? One reason is that you’re at half speed. You’re pretending to play. Look at it like this: the difference between standing and sitting, in terms of difficulty, is hardly anything. Right? They’re both pretty easy. But now try half sitting. That’s very difficult to do. That’s what participating in kids’ activities at half speed is like.

Why not try a new approach, and instead of pretending to play, actually play? Find some actual meaning in the activity and pursue fulfillment. If you’re playing blocks, for instance, make something cool. Look for symbolism. Why make a wall? A road? A castle? Do you have a character (represented by a single block or a figure from another play set)? Where is your character going? Where would you like to go? Who will meet you there?

If you’re coloring, pursue the same lines of fulfillment. Color things that interest you–things you’d like to have or used to have: a garden, a boat, a day on the sea shore, etc. The items don’t need to be elaborate–just symbolic. Express your mood, your hopes, your silly inventions–just do it at normal speed. Do it because you want to–because it’s interesting, fulfilling, redeeming.

You’re not going to be able to use the normal speed, natural self strategy all the time, and it won’t work for all activities. If you’re having a snowball fight, for example, normal speed isn’t a good idea. But if you’re playing a theater game, for instance, invest yourself in your character. Be the queen you’ve always wanted to be, or the wood-cutter that doesn’t take any bull.

In general, when it comes to playing kids activities, the key to operating at normal speed is to direct your energy at what you’re doing, not at your child. What does this do?

• It gives you a better chance to enjoy the activity on its own terms
• It tells your child that you are a separate person with separate interests and needs
• It accustoms your child to independently exploring meaning and finding enjoyment

What do you do if you’re playing Legos, for example, and your child keeps interrupting your efforts to make a house? That situation will, and probably has come up hundreds of times. That’s why playing kids’ activities can be so exhausting in the first place, and why finding ways to operate at normal speed is so vital to your overall well being. You can’t consistently give your child all the benefits of quality playtime if you’re using all your energy in the process. So stand your ground. It’s your house. You’re working on it, and that’s that. If you want to incorporate something your child is doing into the design–great. If not, say so. Use a firm but reasonable voice. Your child will return to her own independent efforts.

Again, you most likely will not be able to sustain normal speed, natural self participation–not all the time and not for all activities. But it is a strategy you can employ in order to gain some separation from your child while still providing the extraordinary benefits of playtime activities. If your child sees that you are in the habit of settling completely into an activity, she too is more likely to settle completely into an activity. That strengthens her confidence and ability to learn, and at the same time gives you, the parent, some much needed distance. It’s a win-win situation.

Think about the situation from your child’s perspective for a moment. Mom announces that we’re going to play a new game.

First Reaction: WOW! Did I hear that right? Mom used the words NEW and GAME together. This is unbelievable. When are we going to play? Right now? After dinner? What am I going to have to do? Is there a catch? Wow! I still can’t believe it. Is mom going to play? I bet she is. She has that look. What about dad? I can’t believe it. Dad’s right here, ready to play. I think we’re going to start now. Everybody’s going to play the new game right now!

You start opening the package, maybe with an explanation of where you got it, how you heard about it, or the fact that you used to play the same game when you were a little girl (before it was updated 17 times to its latest version, which you have no idea how to play).

2nd Reaction: WOW! Mom’s opening the new game. We ARE going to play now. Right now!

You take the game out of the package.

3rd Reaction: Unbelievable! I can’t wait to play the new game!

All the pieces are in separate packages. As a small incentive to your child, to give her something to look at while you’re glancing over the directions, you attempt to open one of the packages. All the pieces go flying.

4th Reaction: Are we going to have to play the game with wood chips instead of the real pieces since we’ll never find all the real pieces?

Everybody goes looking for the pieces. All kinds of things turn up during the search: snack wrappers, the remote control, pocket change. Your husband checks the dates on the coins. Your child asks what he’s looking at. Your husband explains that old coins are sometimes worth something. “Some of them are even older than me,” he points out.

5th Reaction. When are we going to play the game?

Five or six pieces turn up. You check the directions to see if that’s all of them. “They should give you a parts inventory,” you inform everyone. A few seconds later, in a slightly whiny voice, your child asks, “What’s the matter, mom?” You respond in a matter of fact tone: “Just sit quietly while I read the directions.”

6th Reaction. When are we going to play the game?

Half an hour later, somewhere in the middle of a mental fitness training course, your husband is nowhere in sight and your child is wanting to know why horses like apples but dogs don’t.

A simple approach to avoid the confusion of learning to play new games is to look over the directions the night before, when your child is sleeping peacefully. It’s really that easy.

The only reason you wouldn’t want to pursue this sensible approach is that once your child is sleeping, the last thing you want to do is plan for the next day. You’re ready for your free time and that’s that. Yet, you know that things go much, much smoother when you’re prepared for them. That alone should give you incentive to plan for the next day (even for just 10 minutes). Why go looking all over the house for scissors for an art project, when you could have had that ready the night before? It kind of takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it? More importantly, your child has a much better chance of settling comfortably into a game or activity when you’ve given it some thought in advance, and that alone is worth the price of admission.

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Once your child has grasped the wonder of speech, everything becomes a topic of discussion, including your effort to manage simple situations. It becomes a chore just to try to make yourself understood, and this chore of quibbling over ‘what’ and ‘why’ can burden you throughout the day. It takes on even more toilsome proportions when your child is bored and restless.

An excellent tool to help you navigate the course of a day more efficiently is ‘the schedule.’ Making a schedule is as much for your benefit as it is for your child’s. It allows you to introduce specific expectations and rewards to bring about greater cooperation from your child.

Making a schedule is different from having a schedule. Having a schedule means that meal times, nap time and bed time, for example, take place at the same interval every day. Having a schedule is an important step in establishing expectations and bringing order to the household. It usually snaps into place through a series of realizations. You realize that if your child does not eat by a certain time, she gets cranky. You realize that if she does not take a nap, she gets over tired. You know that if she’s not in bed by 9:00 at night, she won’t fall asleep for hours (and you won’t have any free time to yourself).

Making a schedule goes a step further than having a schedule. Making a schedule is aimed at restoring enthusiasm and cooperation. It’s written down. It lets your child know that every day is not a willy-nilly festival where anything and everything can happen. It also reassures your child that she can count on fun activities.

One of the most important aspects of a schedule is that it includes things that your child really enjoys. If your child loves to play starlight theater, for example, then put Starlight Theater on the schedule for Tuesday and Friday 7:00 – 7:30 p.m. What does this do for you?

• It takes away your child’s option of nagging you to play this game whenever she feels like it
• It elevates the status of the activity by honoring it with a dependable time slot
• It gives your child something to look forward to
• It increases your ability to ask for cooperation on the day of the activity
• It removes ambiguity about the duration of the activity
• It increases your child’s esteem of the schedule because it acknowledges her favorite activity

The fact that a schedule includes your child’s favorite activities gives you an opportunity to schedule things that are important to you. For instance, schedule in Quiet Time for ten minutes before lunch or after dinner, etc. Be sure to post the schedule in a visible place, such as on the refrigerator. Generate cooperation by referring to the schedule: ‘Ooh, tonight is Cotton Ball Spoon Race—8:00!’ The fact that your child sees a fun activity—in writing—on the schedule reassures her that your full participation is guaranteed. This is motivation for her to honor Quiet Time.

Making a schedule also enables you to establish regular, low key activities like card playing or board games. These activities give you a chance to conserve your energy while your child enjoys your companionship and is engaged in something worthwhile. Schedule these low key activities for times you generally need peace and calm.

You don’t need to map out every hour of every day. Just schedule enough activities to reassure your child that you are committed to fun.

One of the extraordinary benefits of making a schedule is that it has the effect of turning just about anything into a special occasion. From your child’s perspective these special occasions are a source of great motivation. From your perspective these occasions are an easy way to convert ordinary events into stimulating variety. The very fact that the activity is written down generates anticipation. Put down Big Bug Little Bug every third Saturday from 10:15 – 10:45 in the morning, for example. Arm yourselves with magnifying glasses and go observe bugs. Declare each time whether it’s a big bug or little bug you see. This ordinary event will attract your child’s full, enthusiastic participation. Schedule Counting Airplanes (in the sky), Hopscotch, Jacks, Jump Rope or Red Light Green Light and the result will be the same. Making a schedule gives you a powerful resource to create stimulating variety while improving your child’s overall cooperation.

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One of the pitfalls of indoor activities is that the environment is closed. Add to that the fact that your child’s wants and needs are never ending, and you can begin to feel your sense of self disappearing. Your child will take advantage of this weakened state, not because she’s bad, but because she’s normal. She sees added opportunity to fulfill her needs and wants. You simply need to revitalize your sense of self so you can respond with confidence and maturity to your child’s expression of interests.

The outdoors offer an abundant resource: space. You will find that your child almost never tires of running around in open spaces. Taking your child to a playground or park is an excellent way to provide hours of fun and exercise. It also gives you needed calm from a safe distance. Try to make playground visits part of your daily routine (weather providing). For you, this is the closest thing to a scheduled break. Daily visits also increase the likelihood your child will make friends on the playground. Your child’s interest level will be stronger and longer when playing with friends. This will give you a better chance to truly relax.

The outdoors offers another abundant resource: variety. Variety appeals to your child’s drive to explore and discover. The best activities hold your child’s attention and free you from ordinary demands. Paddle boating, for example, is next to fail proof when it comes to providing wholesome fun devoid of conflict, discord or disagreement. If you take your child to the zoo, don’t try to see everything. It’s enough to enjoy a few exhibits per visit. If you live in or near a city that has an above ground railway, take advantage of an inexpensive sightseeing tour. This activity will not only provide a rich sensory experience, it is also very likely to generate a new, sudden interest in trains (which, like all quality outdoor activities, will enrich interest in indoor activities like coloring, blocks, Legos, etc., because your child wants to transfer the outdoor experience to the indoor activity). Don’t overlook winter time activities like sledding, snowman building and gentle snowball throwing. The important thing is that you pursue variety and exhibit enthusiasm when declaring and getting ready for an event. Give it the feel of a special occasion. Lastly, when all else fails, go put-put golfing. When you’re tired out and your child is bored, this activity is the perfect tonic. Don’t obsess on the rules. To be absolutely certain of success, pick a time when there won’t be many other people. The fewer the better. You’ll be more relaxed that way. This event should be so sure-proof that you can ask for quiet time on the way there, and that’s worth a lot.

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There are many times when you want to establish a non-negotiable barrier, but can’t seem to produce it (without getting angry, which isn’t a good solution). A good strategy to establish a non-negotiable barrier through the use of tone is to drop the word ‘okay’ from the end of your sentences. Instead of saying, ‘Time to clean up, okay.’—Just say, ‘Time to clean up.’ Instead of saying, ‘Put your hat and boots on, okay.’—Just say, ‘Put your hat and boots on.’ Instead of saying, ‘Wait by the door, okay.’ —Just say, ‘Wait by the door.’ Not everything is negotiable, and by using the word ‘okay’ you signal ambiguity and invite needless, stressful quibbling.

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Here’s a parent strategy you’ll appreciate: if you want to sleep in on a Saturday mornings, stay up Friday night and be the elves. Arrange your child’s favorite activity-toys on the living room floor. Use exceeding detail. Think in terms of a village or town and spread things out. Children react with more surprise toward large scale display. If playing with Matchbox cars, for example, is one of your child’s favorite activities, then gather all the cars (maybe add a few new ones!) and space them out to simulate travel along a road coming into town. Start in the kitchen or nearby room. Make a tunnel with paperback books. Use blocks or dominoes to make parking lots and park a few cars in each of the lots. Use blocks or Legos, or whatever you have on hand, to make some buildings in the village. Cut out a pond using blue construction paper and place it at the edge of town. Use peanut shells for boats; fill them with Play-Doh and insert a tooth pick with an attached triangle cut-out for the sail. (You might want to tape, not glue the sail to the tooth pick, because later in the day, when your child wants to make fifty million boats, it’ll be easier to tape the sails.) Use Fisher-Price Little People or paper cut-outs to populate the town.

Make sure, when it’s all said and done, that you leave something for your child to do! You might want to place a pile of “rubble”—blocks, dominoes or whatever—near one of the buildings. Or leave one or two of the buildings unfinished. For a little added insurance make a house friendly sand-box, also on the edge of town. To do this, place different size cups on a baking sheet. Fill one of the cups with sand and leave some measuring spoons next to it. Spread a little sand around the baking sheet so your child gets the idea. Lastly, leave one or two granola bars on a napkin, in plain sight, just so you cover all the bases. Of course if your child’s favorite activity is playing with dolls, for example, then change the theme to correspond with dolls. As a rule of thumb, unless you are supremely talented at this sort of thing, figure on a one to one ratio for results. In other words, for each hour you spend as an elf, you can expect one extra hour of uninterrupted sleep the next morning. Good luck sleeping in!

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